My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
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Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
No. He’s not coming out to play
Denise please return my vape pen
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.