If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
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Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.