FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
You Might Also Like
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.