Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
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These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
🐕🍷
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
peeping toms
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.