At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
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My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍