[montage of me giving-up]
You Might Also Like
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
no one ever comes back
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer: