My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
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Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.