me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
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If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell