RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
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Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
gm
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa