My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
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anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”