Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
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If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there