I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
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Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.