We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
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I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
me after drinking all the wine:
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?