Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
You Might Also Like
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING