The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
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Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money