My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
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me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Breaking news:
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance