on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
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Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.