Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
You Might Also Like
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
We’ve all been there
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Nice try, poison.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*