I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
You Might Also Like
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it