I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
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People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
termite twitter scares me
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
True?
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.