Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
You Might Also Like
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.