I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
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Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
We like the way Dwight thinks
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.