HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
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Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.