When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
You Might Also Like
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Shark week, but for squirrels.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
If looks could kill
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton