Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
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Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Straight people are cancelled
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Yep.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
And that about sums it up.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
How much for the goth pool noodles?
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.