“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
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I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.