Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
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I weigh at least 17 squirrels
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that