When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
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So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.