Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
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me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
A family that plays together cheats.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Life is a suicide mission.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.