I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
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HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Noted.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
every. time.
When the stylist spins you back around
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.