My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
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I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.