God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
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When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
*weighs self after shaving
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.