LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
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“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
There’s never enough good news
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.