*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Any refunds available?…
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.