her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
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Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Maths meets science
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
my fav colour is also hitler
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”