20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
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Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*