All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
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Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.