You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
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*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
I drew y’all a little something.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread