for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
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Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
The French word for sex is croissant.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
December birthdays be like…
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???