a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes