I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
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Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
i actually laughed 😩
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating