Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
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Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.