Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
You Might Also Like
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Good morning, Twitter x
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me