I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
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Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Do not levitate over flowers
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.