“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
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When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.