me: why does my back hurt
also me:
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DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
A man of commitment.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.