first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
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*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.