Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
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Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
@ candidates for local office
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good