Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
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December birthdays be like…
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
I am patiently waiting for your email
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh