Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
You Might Also Like
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
#parenting
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]